Today I lay here. I lay here because my body just won't let me do anything else. I ache all over, my back, my ribs, my shoulders, it even hurts when I breathe. All these problems at only 50??? Well believe me, I was once one of the most active people you would find. I have taught exercise classes, played with my share of babies, done my share of carpenter work, and injured my body more times than one. I was a nurse, one that loved her job and loved the people I took care of. I have turned, lifted and helped many, many people in my day. I was a cheerleader, proud to cheer on our team, but even with that ended up with injuries that hurt my well being.
Now, would I change anything so that I could still be as active today??? Well, no not really... The injuries, the pain, the memories are all worth what my body is feeling at this time. I am active to a point, I have learned not to push my body past its adult limits. I don't lift (family wont let me), I don't run (have no need to), I don't stay up all night just because I can, I just live. Live every day wondering if I am going to even muster up enough energy to get off this couch. I am pained. But yet I go on.
I have had back surgery. My spine was slipped over 75% at one point and the doctor had to perform a spinal fusion. Now normally my back only gives me a little trouble now, compared to the trouble I had before the surgery. Before the surgery I had trouble even walking and did very little. But I get sore. Sore if I stay on my feet, sore if I sit too long and sore if I take on more than my body can at this point in life. If I push too hard then my body reminds me, "you are 50 years old, you can't do that anymore". I suffer from horrible leg cramps for two to three days after I have been on my feet all day for only one day. My body is so physically tired after the same. It forces me to slow down and rest properly for a couple days or so after something strenuous. The cramps are horrible, thigh cramps, calf cramps and your toes turning under from the spasms.
I also suffered from colon cancer. Cancer was found in my appendix and then later in my colon. I had surgery to remove my gall bladder, appendix and a foot of my colon. I suffer from a poor appetite now days. Really I don't get hungry but I know I must eat something. I never have a normal bowel movement, its always loose and crampy. I throw up much more than I ever did before the diagnosis. Its really hard to travel or go anywhere wondering if you are going to make it to the bathroom or not. On the plus side, I really have no pot belly or bloating anymore. I wear a smaller size than I did before the surgery, yet weigh about the same. I weigh the same only after a couple years after the surgery. When I was sick and going through everything I did with the cancer, I lost lots of weight. I was very fortunate to not have to have chemo or radiation and that was a blessing!!! The weight finally did creep back up to my pre surgery weight and now it remains steady. But there is alot of uneasy feelings in your stomach and colon after everything I have been through. Often times eating make me sick though. Yet I must feed this body the good Lord created.
Some people feel I have given up, because I was so active physically and active in friendships and travels. Now all that seems so far behind me. I really can't do as much as I could do, it tires me out way too bad. Would I love to have the energy I did when my kids were small??? Oh yes, I would. Would I love to be able to hike, swim for hours, dance for hours, etc..... Yes I loved that when I was able. Now though my body says "hold up, you can't do that" and proves it to me days after I do much of anything. Even driving a car for a few hours to get to a destination makes me pay dearly with horrible, horrible cramps.
I am needing surgery on my neck now, I have put it off for about 2 years. I really don't want to have to have another surgery. But I have bone spurs on both sides of my neck that is pressing on nerves, causing my shoulders to hurt and my fingers to go numb. Trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in is really a chore nowdays. And staying asleep and actually resting is near impossible. Often times I don't rest well and must sleep through the day because I can't hold my eyes open from lack of rest.
Then we can't forget the depression that sets in. It comes in like a wave, because you have to give up things you used to enjoy so much. You just don't have the will to get up and push through the pain to bring excitement to your life. You settle in and exist. I used to cry alot, but not anymore. I have no more tears. But your thoughts are scrambled and your mind racing wanting to do things you can no longer do. Depression will make you sleep, make you physically sick and will drain every ounce of energy you can muster. I also have Fibromyalgia. A sickness that makes you hurt in places you never even knew you had. Day after day you struggle just to do the things you need to do. And often times they go undone.
I used to love the sunshine, the mountains, the river, just anything outdoors and now I go outdoors only when it deems necessary. Don't get me wrong, if the opportunity arises for me to get involved and do anything, I do. But for days I pay the price of trying to make an old body do things past its limits. I never had limits before and now all this makes me sad. I was always the fun of the party, the lively one, the one with a smile on my face and pep in my step. Where did that person go????
That person got lost. Lost in stress, lost in pain, lost in sickness and lost with age. I only wish that person could come back and I could love life again. Please don't take this as a whiney post as it is not. I do find much enjoyment in things I can enjoy. I enjoy every second with my grandkids, I may not be able to run, bounce or even keep up with them at times, but it pushes me. It pushes me to push beyond these pains and aches to savor every minute with them.
I am so glad I was able to raise my children, when my mind and body worked well. I would have never made it to have children at an older age. I played, traveled, took care of, wiped noses, danced for hours, camped out and fished, showed them hunter safety, little things they needed to know to make their own lives enjoyable. Now much of my life is done not to please myself but to please others.
I try to be the grandmother, mother and friend that I need to be and that I always have been. But its hard and it seems to get harder everyday. I do not like staying on the couch or in the bed so I do what I can. Sometimes its nothing more than taking a shower, do a load of laundry, go pay bills. I don't do much shopping anymore either because the walking through the store sometimes gets difficult. Nobody sees this side of me. Other than the ones that live with me.
I put on my half smile, get up, do all I can.... Be there for the kids when they need me.... But its not easy, not by a long shot..... I rarely ever put on makeup, fix my hair or dress up. Before you would have never seen me out any other way. So yes I am older, no I don't desire a wild, crazy life. I am content with the life I have with my children and grandchildren. I just wish I had more energy to show the grandkids the person I once was. But my children and family have memories, memories of some of the greatest moments in their lives... Moments that has taken your breath away.
I count my blessings though, to still be alive, to still be able to walk, to breathe, etc. There are so many worse off than I am. I wonder how they push through day after day. I am thankful, even though my life is not the life it once was. The good Lord still lets me open my eyes everyday and take in the sunshine, play with the grandbabies and enjoy my family. I am blessed.
Life is a struggle, and as you get older the struggle is real. But push through, make yourself do it, dont give up..... but for now 'here I lay" :)
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